A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to find myself a primo spot in Julie Chen's live audience for Big Brother. It was an experience that was both massively entertaining and wildly surreal. As soon as it was over, I wanted to go back, but I soon learned that contrary to what the show's staff says and encourages, repeat visits are a no-no with the ticketing company. Well, I wasn't about to let some arbitrary, bureaucratic decision by a third party hinder my Big Brother experience. That's right, my friends and I headed straight back to the CBS Radford studio lot and plopped ourselves back in the BB audience. It wasn't easy though, and the chain of events that led to our seating verged on saga status. But we made it, and we were lucky enough to see one of the most amazingly idiotic exit interviews ever.
The full story — including Jessie's Early Show interview, the story behind that "whoop" during Libra's vote, and how I won a free t-shirt — after the jump...
For this second outing to Big Brother, I again gathered up some of my more obsessed friends: Jash, Dan, and Intern Nick from TVgasm. IndianJones, unfortunately, was not able to attend this week as the demands of his job necessitated that he be elsewhere in this fine city. (I only mention this because IndianJones is a tag whore and likes to get his name tagged in as many posts as possible. Mission accomplished.)
Anyway, unlike last time, our logistics were a bit more precarious. First off, we weren't going to be arriving all together. Jash, Dan, and I would be driving in my fair chariot (word up, Camry) from Hollywood, but Intern Nick, descending from on high like a prodigal son, would be coming in from the dusty plains of Van Nuys. The plan was to meet up at the studio and all check in together. Already, I was a bit nervous. There were too many moving parts to this plan. Granted, there was only one moving part, but that was enough to cause concern. Raising the difficulty level of this entire rendez-vous was that we had to leave our cell phones in the car once we parked (they're prohibited on stage). This meant that once we arrived at CBS, there could be no further communication. WE WERE OFF THE GRID. The level of difficulty was shooting through the roof.
Well, we arrived at the studio at 3:15, and there were already a bunch of people there. We told the ticketing woman that we were waiting for one more, but she merely shot me a nervous look and said, "We're filling up really quickly." I asked how many spots were left, and she said not many. She really had no reason to lie, and judging by the numbers they were giving out to the people checking in before us, I could see we were running out of time. Last visit, our numbers were in the mid nineties. The people in front of us had spots in the low nineties. There are only about 108 seats in the studio; so I knew we had to act quickly.
But there was one obvious problem: WHERE WAS NICK??
According to Jash, Nick is very prompt, but alas, he was not living up to his reputation. A mild panic set in: abandon Nick? Or risk everything for unity?
Well, it's no surprise how I felt: EFF NICK! I'm seeing the mother effin' show!! Sorry, I'm very cutthroat when it comes to Chenbot experiences. Besides, how could I even consider not going to see the episode where Jessie would most likely be evicted?
Of course, I didn't quite articulate this, but I'm sure it registered fairly obviously on my face. Maybe that's why Jash, being the friendly soul (occasionally) that he is, volunteered to wait for Nick while Dan and I checked in. It was a risky move, and I'm not sure I would have done the same, but I guess that's why I'm sometimes considered a superficial bastard. Actually, the truth of the matter is that the audience people had conflicted stories on what we could and couldn't do. Some said we all had to check in now. Some said we could check in at different times and sit together. And some said, well, nothing. It was very confusing. The point is that Dan and I got into line, and Jash went off to search for Nick.
Well, by 3:45, there was no sign of Nick. "That's fucked up," I said repeatedly. After all, Jash had essentially given up his chance to be in the audience for Nick, who was beyond late. At this point, the standby line was so huge; there was not even a remote chance Jash could get in. By four o'clock, Jash resigned to the fact that he'd have to kill two hours in Studio City while we went in for the taping. To facilitate this experience, I gave him my car keys; so he could grab his wallet and cell phone out of my Camry. Oh well. Sucked for Jash.
By 4:15ish (don't know the exact time as my cell phone is my watch, and as such, it was stuck in my car), the audience coordinators started loading people into the studio. I should note, by the way, that where we lined up was a decent walk from the studio. This is an important fact for later.
Anyway, the CBS pages took the majority of the people in line off to the stage, leaving about twenty of us to stay behind. We were such a small group that soon murmurs surfaced that maybe, just maybe, we might not get in. The longer we stood out there, the more certain it became. And when the Big Brother staffer closed down the little tent that he had been under, it seemed like we were being left behind. Was this cruel cosmic justice for us deriding Nick? And could it be actually possible that after all this chaos, we too would be shunned from the Big Brother experience? Like a dueling cowboy with his hand hovering just over his gun, I was ready to pull a fast one on the audience coordinator. You see, I actually had a connection, but I wasn't going to use it unless I had trouble. This led to all sorts of further drama: would I pull the connection properly? Would she respond to it? Would I make things worse? It was all so stressful.
And then: a breakthrough. Just when all hope had seemed lost, the pages corralled us up and took us to the stage. THANK GOD. Things were looking good. As we marched slowly across the lot, we then encountered Jash standing around with Nick. Oh NICK. You late, late fool! The two of them smiled at us and said that Nick had actually been here at like 3:10 (oops, my bad), but instead of going to the audience loading area, he had walked directly to the stage. That's right: he was here, but not here. "The stage?" I asked in shock. "Why did you go to the stage?"
Alas, our march forced me to move on before hearing the answer. It seemed like a silly thing to do. I felt bad for doubting Nick's punctuality (sorry Nick), but I still was a bit puzzled about Nick's misplaced studio wanderlust. Nevertheless, our procession finally arrived at the Big Brother house, and as we stood there, waiting to go in, I turned around, and there at the end of the line were Jash and Nick! Had they just snuck onto the line? Nope. Turns out I found out later that one of the audience coordinators who was familiar with the situation told them to just get in the line. Somewhere along the way, they were then confused as VIP guests (they were looking quite dapper), and long story short, they were now officially part of the audience. It took some maneuvering, and there were some gaffes along the way, but in the end, all that matters was that we'd all be sitting in the studio, watching the Chenbot and smiling our asses off.
Anyway, as we loaded into the studio, Dan and I were placed stage left, and Nick and Jash were placed stage right. It was actually perfect because this way anytime anything funny happened, we could all glance at each other and make eyes much easier than if we had been seated four in a row. Nevertheless, poor Dan was miffed because my seat was closer to the central aisle, and based on our experience last time, that meant I'd probably get more screen time. Dan, sadly, was all but omitted from last week's show and was looking for greater on screen glory this time around. I kind of felt bad having the better seat. Oh well.
I should note that sitting two rows in front of us and a little to the right was an AWFUL woman. She was big and loud, and she seemed to think the entire show was based on her. She kept making loud comments and whatnot — almost like a deluded sense that she was the life of the party. Needless to say, she was the product of many glares from not just me and my friends, but everyone behind her. There was one girl who just turned around and looked up at us as if to say, "I mean, COME ON!" Look, I'm sure she's a very nice woman, but she was entirely too desperate for attention. But more on this loud woman a little later.
Not long after we took our seats, a producer came out to warm up the audience. Last time, we were treated to some rather dull movie trivia that did little to get people excited. This time around, however, the producers decided to wisely up the stakes by a) giving away Big Brother t-shirts, and b) employing Big Brother trivia — a much better fit. He also asked us several more questions about the house guests (Who would we want has HOH? Who would we want nominated?). It was a much more engaging experience from to to head, as Jessie might say.
Anyway, to get a free t-shirt, a member of the audience would have to be summoned to the stage and then have to answer three Big Brother trivia questions. The first guy who was called up was so excited you'd have thought he'd just been selected for The Price Is Right (which, by the way, was our code word for the last BB show we went to — lest anyone discover we were repeat visitors and get us ejected). Anyway, the first guy got his t-shirt without a problem. Then one of the producers said that there were some web people in the audience who most certainly had to answer some trivia. For a split second, I thought he might have been referring to me. And then I thought maybe Nick, as he still is with TVgasm. But alas, he was referring to two very excitable women who apparently run the site, bbfanatics.com.
WELL.
These ladies got up there, and even though the trivia was a little harder for them, it was still super easy and obvious. And yet they struggled on EVERY QUESTION. Sometimes they had a split decision, even with the audience helping them. I'm not out to disrespect any other Big Brother site as we're all a happy family, but c'mon, ladies. You were not representing the online community well, especially when there were two other bloggers from two larger television sites in your presence (I'm not normally this egotistical [yes I am] but incidents like these kind of bring it out).
Anyway, the women eventually got their t-shirts, and then the trivia continued. Someone else from the other side of the audience got up there, answered her questions, and got a t-shirt too. It was then that the producer announced there'd be one last person chosen. Dammit, I had to get picked — not only for the t-shirt, but to show the audience that we internet people are not total idiots (not that the ladies were idiots, but again, they were the only ones who had trouble with the trivia. Just sayin'). I knew, however, that the chances of me getting picked for trivia were slim to none. All the contestants minus one had come from my side of the audience. Surely, the producer would pick someone else from Jash's side.
But no! By some miraculous feat, the producer looked over at me and Dan, who were both stretching our hands upwards like two kindergarteners begging to go poddy. The guy pointed at us and said, "Okay, these guys want to do it. You guys choose amongst yourselves--" and I swear to God, before he even finished, I stood up and declared, "I'M DOING IT." I actually felt bad at my cold hearted ruthlessness, and had I been thinking clearly and not so consumed with representing the online community, I would have said that we could have both gone up, but adrenaline is adrenaline. What can I say? I was like fat girl hunting down cake, to paraphrase 50 Cent a bit.
Well, I got up there, and I have to admit, for the first few seconds, my heart was beating with excitement. I literally didn't even look at the audience, I was so pumped. I was just trying to focus on hearing the question. I'm starting to realize I'm really nowhere as cool under pressure as I'd like to be. But that's okay. It's my challenge, and I'll embrace it.
Anyway, the producer asked me which houseguest thought the earthquake last week was just a truck backing into the house. Before he was done, I blurted out, "JERRY!" I kind of screwed up his pacing, but nevertheless, I got it right. One down, two to go. But then suddenly, I heard a clamor behind me and a flurry of activity, punctuated with various people saying, "She's walking. She's walking." The producer suddenly handed me the t-shirt and said, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" What? My glory was being aborted? But I hadn't even plugged my website yet!! A second later, suddenly yelled out, "Ladies and gentlemen, JULIE CHEN!" I turned around around there she was. She was not only closer than before, but I was standing in her area. I debated whether or not I should just loiter there and make a lame attempt to shake her hand (I was already in her vicinity), but her gait was too slow, thus making my lingering a bit too awkward. I sadly retreated off to the side, still relishing the bizarre notion that I was being ushered off a stage to make room for Julie Chen.
When I got back to my row, Dan had happily taken over my seat, which was fine. It was a small price to pay for selfishly bowling him over in my quest for a free t-shirt. With trivia over, the stage manager took over emceeing duties, informing us on all the things we should and shouldn't do. I asked if we could clap when we found out America's Choice for eviction, but I was later told that no, we couldn't. Nevertheless, while the guy tried to explain the rules, that AWFUL woman in front of us kept asking him dumb, jokey questions. It was as if she thought she were some amazing comedian, and while I can't really remember what she said, I can only convey that every time she opened her mouth, we all rolled our eyes. She was just plain terrible. AND LOUD. (Which was kind of funny because she was seated next to some deaf people. They lucked out that night). I just hope she's not reading this. If you are, well, take this all as constructive criticism.
Anyway, the show progressed much in the same way as last time; so I won't bore you with the technical details. I'll say that I did a much better time of not bursting out in loud laughter, but I can't say the same for Shelly, which is the name I've given the awful woman. After Libra placed her vote, Shelly let out a "Whooohooo!" which is the noise you all heard on your TV set. What a dumb idiot. She was the only one who made that noise, and I hope she felt dumb for doing it (probably didn't. She seemed to lack any and all self-awareness). During the commercial break, the stage manager actually had to reprimand her. He did it in a nice, jokey way, but we all could tell he was a bit annoyed.
Of course, when it comes to annoyed, no one topped Jessie, who marched out of that house with one of the more vivid scowls of recent memory. He was absolutely standoffish and charmless in his exit interview, and while you saw what he said on camera, what you missed was how he kept staring at himself in the monitors overhead and how he totally just ignored the audience behind him. Hey, he's not obligated to recognize us, but compared to Steven, who waved and cheered and seemed to relish the moment, Jessie was a total lemon. I pretty much laughed silently through his entire idiotic interview (c'mon, you can't do word association? Really?). And let's not overlook his strange (ie. WRONG) use of the term "face value," and the his proclamation that "arrogance" and his name should not be used in the same sentence. Dumb.
Later, during the HOH competition, it's a shame that you couldn't really hear the audience because we were murmuring like crazy. Everyone was really into it. In fact, everyone was really into all the segments. I still maintain my belief that the producers should keep the audio on the audience up during the taped packages.
Nevertheless, when Michelle won HOH, everyone clapped vigorously. I would have preferred Libra as HOH (imagine the craziness!), but I like Michelle, and I expect similar drama. Besides, Big Brother is really at its best when two sides of the house go back and forth on the power scale.
After the live show ended, Jessie returned to the stage for his Early Show interview, and he could not have been more of an awful subject. Chenbot had to squeeze the answers out of him, practically. He acted all "whatever" about everything, including the reveal that Dan was America's Player. He actually predicted that Dan was the twist, and when Julie confirmed it, Jessie merely shrugged and said, "I told you," — as if he were informing her, not the other way around. It was ridiculous (actually this response may have been in regards to the news that Michelle had just won HOH. I don't remember). He also had a strange explanation for his strategy, noting that just because he napped a lot this past week didn't mean that he had bad strategy. In fact, he had napped a lot every week, he said, which just proved that he was consistent. Yeah. I know. That's when Julie elaborated and said something to the effect of "Do you think you should have taken so many naps?"
Jessie also bemoaned the weight he had lost, informing us that now his back was super shredded. I'm not even joking. And in terms of Dan, Jessie complained that he always looked at himself in the mirror. All the time. This, of course, was coming from the guy who spent half of the Early Show interview not looking at Julie Chen but instead his face on the TV screens (he also asked as he sat down initially, "How's my hair?"). I really wish I could remember all the idiotic things he had said, but there was too much to take in. When the interview was done, he didn't even wave goodbye to the audience. He just stood up and walked off, leaving the Chenbot behind in a cloud of dust. She merely stood up, turned to us, and mouthed "Thank You" in a way that seemed to connote "Seriously, how awful was that?" I don't want to put any words in "Mrs. Chen's" mouth though. I'm just saying that's the way it seemed...
All in all, it was a fantastic experience yet again. Thanks to CBS for putting on a great show.
Oh, and as for Dan and his quest for televised fame... well, he certainly ended up on TV, but with almost all the close shots, the camera would zoom in and crop him out, somehow keeping me in frame. Shouldn't have switched those seats...
Here are some pics:
Now you can see the spatial arrangement.
The Awful Woman.
Randomly, if Renny and Ina Garten had a love child, it would be Dan's mom. SUE.
Nick fared quite well in the on-camera department.
Jash, however, got cut off a few times this week.
It was nothing compared to Dan. It was like HE WASN'T EVEN THERE!
Wait, there he is!
And, of course, the shirt!